Life in the Invisible Chastity Belt

Monks and nuns are supposed to live according to the dictates of poverty, chastity and obedience, and as a submissive I’ve acquired direct experience with two of those things. My Lady has never tried to keep me in poverty or otherwise control my finances, but obedience has been the cornerstone of our relationship from the day I surrendered to her authority. Chastity, on the other hand, came much later.

I was far from disappointed with My Lady’s initial lack of interest in limiting my masturbatory activities, but I was a little surprised. Orgasm restrictions are a recurring theme in stories and online discussions about male submission, to the point where they’re a major focus of entire blogs like Steeled Snake and Denying Thumper, and my one serious BDSM relationship before I began submitting to My Lady was with a woman who actually did include a ban on ejaculating without permission in the list of rules she laid down at the very beginning. So when My Lady took charge of me back in 2012, I assumed my onanistic freedom would be coming to an end in pretty short order. What I didn’t fully appreciate, however, was the impact of her background on her approach to handling submissive men. Because she spent many vanilla years as a lesbian and many kinky years as a pansexual submissive, she had never developed much enthusiasm for controlling male genitals or learned a great deal about that form of dominance. As a result, she wasn’t particularly interested in the contents of my briefs, especially given the long-distance nature of our relationship.

For the first few months, then, the topic of masturbatory restrictions barely came up in our correspondence. As My Lady slowly became more familiar with my submissive side and my sexuality, however, she began to take more of an interest in my private parts and what I did with them. There was a period of over a year when I had to keep a record of my sexual activity for her occasional perusal, but could still indulge freely while she observed, learned, and mulled over possibilities. Then, near the end of March 2014, she finally lowered the boom with a characteristically understated instruction at the end of one of her emails:

While tidying the bathroom today, I found a note to myself about limiting your masturbation… Unless otherwise directed… you may not come or do more than your casual stroking until April, my time.

“Casual stroking” was a term we’d been using to describe any kind of masturbatory activity that stopped short of ejaculation, so I could still play with myself. Nevertheless, I was glad the end of the month was only a few days away, and I wrote back that I was “looking forward to April”. My Lady’s reply was ominous:

Don’t be too sure of that.

In April I was indeed allowed to ejaculate as often as I wanted – but I had to ingest my own semen each time. In May, the price of an orgasm was pain, to be inflicted on myself before each masturbation session. It turned out that the last few days of March weren’t just a short-lived experiment in chastity, but the introduction of a new state of affairs in which my orgasms were going to be as strictly and meticulously rationed as they were in my previous BDSM relationship. My Lady imposed the change suddenly, firmly and without fanfare, but after collecting plenty of pertinent information in the form of the sexual diary, which is typical of the way she wields her authority over me. She’s not a theatrical or flashy dominant, but she’s a scarily thorough and deliberate one, and when she gives instructions she expects immediate and total compliance as a matter of course.

Since then, the exact rules limiting my access to sexual pleasure have continued to change occasionally at My Lady’s whim. Most of the time, I simply have to ask permission for each orgasm in advance. Once in a while she’ll just say yes, but more often there’s a condition attached – ingestion, clamps on my nipples while I masturbate, or something equally painful and/or degrading. She’s never given me a flat “no” and left me to stew in my own frustrated arousal, but I’m nervously aware of the possibility whenever I ask “My Lady, may I ejaculate soon?” Therefore, I try not to tempt fate (or rather, tempt her) by asking too often.

Of all the ways My Lady constrains and torments me, the tight control she exerts over my orgasms is probably the facet of her dominance that goes the furthest in making me feel helpless and subservient. From what I’ve seen, this kind of reaction to being kept in either a physical or a metaphorical chastity belt is common among submissive men, which is why male chastity is such a widespread theme in both erotic fiction and real kinky relationships. Taking away a man’s freedom to masturbate not only deprives him of one of life’s great pleasures and asserts control over the most intimate parts of his body, but also makes him dependent on the dominant for periodic release of his semen, which may be necessary in order to avoid physical discomfort. I won’t try to speak for submissive women (though I’d be interested to hear from readers who have experience with female chastity, on either side of the equation), but we boys tend to be putty in the hands of anyone who’s in a position to tell us when we’re allowed to get our rocks off – and when we’re not. Of course, being controlled in that way is also exciting, and for me at least the fact that the keys to my invisible chastity belt are in the hands of a woman rather than a man adds an element of intrigue. My Lady has never personally experienced the surging pleasure of male orgasm or the aching frustration of male chastity, but she sure knows how to indulge me with the first of those things and torment me with the second.

The fact that I’ve already slowed down a fair bit, sexually speaking, definitely makes it easier to endure this aspect of my submission to My Lady. Even in my mid-twenties I was still masturbating almost every day, but that stopped abruptly when I fell into the hands of my previous dominant. More than a decade later, I’d probably ejaculate every few days if I had the freedom to do so, but a week or so of deprivation – which is par for the course now that I’m in My Lady’s invisible chastity belt – is bearable if not exactly comfortable. Drinking alcohol seems to take the edge off a bit, as do my bouts of casual stroking. It also helps that I get occasional breaks from My Lady’s control when I’m with my vanilla partner, who is also long-distance. On the other hand, pornography, erotic writing, or anything else that gets me thinking about sex, dominance and submission revs up the engines and makes chastity harder to endure.

My Lady and I have occasionally discussed chastity devices, with an eye on the extensive and slightly unnerving (from my viewpoint) range of male ones on the market. I think she’d enjoy the security of knowing my genitals were actually locked up, and being physically unable to play with myself would undoubtedly make me feel more submissive than ever. However, the practical problems surrounding things like hygiene, airport scanners and the logistics of ultra-long-distance keyholding will almost certainly keep my invisible chastity belt from turning into a tangible one, for the foreseeable future. Luckily, My Lady knows I’ll obey her rules and faithfully report any lapses, so the invisible belt works as well as anything for keeping her boy on the straight and narrow. On my side, I wake up every morning knowing that my cock and balls are under a woman’s firm control, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Seven Dimensions of Dominance

Wearing My Lady’s collar, figuratively and often literally, doesn’t stop me from thinking about the qualities I find appealing in dominants in general. What follows is a list of the top few, approximately in descending order of importance. I’m not nearly presumptuous enough to regard them as some kind of gold standard that everyone should follow, and I’m well aware that many people will have different ideas as to what attributes are suitable and desirable for a dominant to possess – My Lady, for example, doesn’t share all my views on this subject. Nevertheless, the list does lay out the qualities I personally admire in a dominant and feel drawn to, for whatever that might be worth.

  1. Responsibility. Considers the impact her actions and instructions (I’d rather stick to the case of a female dominant than keep writing out things like “her or his actions and instructions”) will have on her submissives, and tries hard to avoid hurting them except in ways that she intends and they’ve consented to. Consistently acts like one of the adults in the room, and doesn’t shrink from making tough decisions when necessary. Can be trusted with a high level of control over a submissive’s body, reputation, emotional well-being, and/or bank account. Would never describe herself as a “brat”.
  1. Authority. Likes telling other people what to do, and finds it fulfilling and erotic to be obeyed. Has no problem delegating complex tasks to people she trusts, but can also give detailed instructions and keep a submissive on a very short leash when she considers it warranted. Is good at making decisions, including decisions that affect others, and at formulating rules and routines for her submissives to follow. Communicates orders clearly, and doesn’t hesitate to ask uncomfortable questions and insist on explicit, substantive answers. Holds submissives accountable for their actions, and disciplines them firmly when appropriate. Can be demanding, intimidating and uncompromising. Huge bonus points for an interest in using bondage and confinement to maintain direct physical control over submissives, in either the short term or the long term.
  1. Sadism. Enjoys making people suffer, watching people suffer, and thinking about ways to make people suffer. Routinely inflicts pain on submissives for her pleasure, not just for disciplinary purposes. Huge bonus points for an interest in subjecting submissives to types of unpleasantness other than physical pain, such as fear, discomfort, degradation, nervousness, sexual frustration and even boredom.
  1. Expertise. Has mastered some safe, highly effective techniques for restraining willing victims and making them suffer. Also has a bag of interpersonal tricks for keeping submissives on their toes, catching them off-balance, staying one step ahead of them, and bossing them around in terms that greatly encourage obedience. Knows pretty much what she wants and how to get it. Bonus points for both a penchant for meticulous planning and an ability to improvise.
  1. Imagination. Possesses a wicked creative streak and frequently comes up with new ways to enjoy and torment her submissives, or new variations on her tried and tested methods. Loves to surprise submissives by issuing instructions they would never have expected from her, or using them in ways they could never have anticipated.
  1. Enthusiasm. Takes great pleasure in her dominant role, and is willing to put serious time, energy and money into honing skills, acquiring equipment and orchestrating kinky adventures for herself and her submissives. Loves to mull over sinister possibilities for things she might do to compliant men and/or women, or make them do for her. A little note of excitement may creep into her voice when she discusses her exploits, or dominance and sadism in general.
  1. Tough-mindedness. Is not easily shocked, alarmed or offended. Has no interest in condemning sometimes-controversial practices like raceplay, ageplay, or consensual non-consensuality (definitions in this handy glossary) – and may actively embrace any or all of those things, depending on her own inclinations. Doesn’t feel guilty or conflicted about what she does to submissives, provided they’ve clearly said “yes”, or recoil automatically from words like force, abuse, cruelty and evil when they’re being used to describe consensual activity. Understands the difference between fantasy and reality, and opposes attempts to constrain or police the former. Tends not to get gushy, or at least not too gushy, over puppies and baby pandas. May well own a gun, enjoy watching a good boxing match, and/or support the death penalty.

The first three characteristics on that list are, to me, the holy trinity of BDSM. A dominant needs authority and sadism in order for submission to her to feel erotic, and needs responsibility in order for submission to her to feel safe. Although I’ve been using feminine pronouns up to this point, and although dominant women will always hold a special fascination and magnetism for me, my inclinations by now are sufficiently pansubmissive that I’d find literally any adult well-endowed with those vital three qualities – male or female, young or old, of any creed or colour – at least somewhat appealing as a potential captor, tormentor and overseer. The other four are something of a bonus, and there are many more I could have included in this category. In no particular order, the list includes: maturity, intelligence, libido, physical size and strength, gravitas, humour, emotional stability, financial resources, groundedness, openness, kinky connections, many books, decadent tastes, macabre sensibilities, a capacity for self-indulgence, and a few rough edges. I’m sure there are others I’ve forgotten.

Most of the attributes I’ve mentioned in this post, such as imagination, are ones that I appreciate in people in general. A few are more specific to dominant individuals; but for the most part, the ingredients for a dominant I would be especially eager to submit to are about the same as the ones for a person I would be interested in hanging out with socially, plus a few extras like authority and sadism. My Lady is imbued with all seven of the qualities I’ve described in detail, admittedly to varying degrees, and with many of the others listed at the end of the last paragraph. Whenever I open an email from her, there’s at least a little twinge of both excitement and trepidation, and that’s enough in itself to tell me that I belong at her feet.

Are there qualities that you find especially appealing in a dominant, or in a submissive? Feel free to post your own list!